Tacky Christmas 2006

Sorry for the delay in my annual Christmas pictures of tackily-decorated LA mansions, but I was gallivanting around England, where there was no internet and it was foggy:

Really foggy.

So I couldn't post until now. Anyway, Norrywood was pretty disappointing this year. It remains pretty much unchanged from last year except that the lawn now reads "2007" instead of "2006." Other than that, it's the same old black Santas and Davids with Santa hats. Even the fake snow on the lawn is getting boring.

Did the neighbors finally complain? Did Norrywood's inhabitants take a few classes in taste over this year? It doesn't matter, since I've got a new favorite tacky house:

This picture is terrible, but the lawn is absolutely mobbed with mannequins, many of which aren't necessarily Christmas-themed. For instance, they used up all their reindeer figures and had to resort to using plain old deer mannequins I think they bought off of a hunting supply store. And since they ran out of Santas, they had to use child labor:

Creepy child labor.

And then, of course, you've got your typical nightmare-inducing giant Nutcrackers guarding a rocking horse of Trojan proportions:

The Trojans would never have accepted a horse with a shiny purple mane, though.

"Help meeeeeee ... "

Across the street from this house, one neighbor bravely tried to compete with that assault on the eyes with his own special display:

It really isn't bad at all, but something about that neon North Pole sign irks me. It's the North Pole, not Las Vegas. And the sign isn't even pointing towards the North Pole. It's pointing at the snowman standing directly in Santa and his sleigh's path, trying to prevent him from delivering toys to all the good little girls and boys.

Of course, I thought it was lot worse before I saw England's contribution to this segment:

Great ladder placement there. You could at least make it look like it's supposed to be functional.

The big Xmas yard decoration this year seems to be those reindeer lawn ornaments made out of lights. I actually think they're kind of cute, but when every single house has one -- with some houses going absolutely lightbulb reindeer-mad and sticking upwards of 18 reindeer on their lawns even though there should only be 8 at the most -- they rapidly lose their charm. Last year the inflatable Santas and snowmen were popular and my dad threatened to walk around with a pin, deflating as many as possible. This year he wants to get a shotgun and go around shooting all the reindeer. It's the first time he's expressed any interest in hunting.

Remember, kids: decorating your homes for Christmas can not only be tacky, it can also be dangerous. As you can see here in Lisa "Blair Warner" Whelchel's fascinating scrapbook entry entitled "When Daddy Fell Off The Roof," an account of the time her husband fell off the roof and broke most of his limbs while trying to hang Christmas lights. It is absolutely amazing. In case the print is too small for you to read, here's a highlight:

"After the paramedics assured us that he was going to be okay, I ran inside to get my camera. As they were cutting Steve's pants legs off, I, as the family photo historian, began documenting this memory. The girls were appalled and asked increduously, 'Why are you taking pictures of this? I don't ever want to remember this day again!' Obviously, the paramedic understood. He looked over his shoulder at me snapping away and asked, 'Scrapbooker?'"

You can find entries about this and more of Lisa Whelchel's craziness at one of my new favorite sites, The Blair Necessities. Enjoy!

Hope you all have a roof-tragedy-free happy holidays!

Happy Holidays!

I'm sad to report that I did not have time to get some get pictures of over-decorated LA homes like last year before I flew home to Connecticut for the holidays. Do not despair too much, though, as I did manage to get a few shots of the infamous Norrywood:


In all its glory!


I'm not exactly sure what this means. Whose people, exactly are we supposed to feed? God's? The black mannequin in front of the sign who apparently plays a mean saxophone's? Please be more specific next year, Norrywood.


Norrywood loves its black Santas! There's one black Santa for every David statue. And there are, like, three thousand David statues.

At least Norrywood didn't go for the this year's height of yard decoration tackiness, the giant inflatable Santa. I hate those things, but not as much as my dad, who keeps threatening to walk around the neighborhood with a pin and deflate them all.*

That's enough bitching from me, even though there are a few things I'd like to say to the place I ordered my mother's present from that didn't deliver it in time despite the fact that I ordered it WELL IN ADVANCE and it didn't seem to have any delays when it came to charging my credit card. I will send them a strongly-worded letter about this, and the stamp will have been moistened by my mother's tears, which will fall freely when she wakes up tomorrow and finds that her daughter didn't get her a present.

But anyway, happy holidays to you all!

*My dad would not actually do this. I think.

MERRY CHRISTMAS I HAVE SO MUCH MONEY!!!

As any episode of MTV's Cribs will tell you, people's bank accounts are often inversely proportional to their level of good taste. This is especially true of people in Los Angeles. And on Christmas, that most materialistic time of the year, this is especially evident. I've been collecting pictures of garishly decorated mansions over the last few weeks, and now I will share them with you. Like a Fug Blog, but for houses. I apologize for the blurriness and darkness of some of the photos, but this was the best I could do considering that it was nighttime and I had to take the pictures quickly before the people inside the houses called the police on me.

Check out how people with way too much money and time on their hands have chosen to wish you a screaming MERRY CHRISTMAS with their mansion decorations:


I don't know what I like more:


the neon jingle bells,


or the snowman contemplating suicide up on the roof.

I don't know if this is for the holidays or not, but this mansion has multi-colored lights shining on it, making the house an ugly green on the left and an ugly blue-purple on the right. Oh, and you can't really see it here, but it's orange in the center.


This one is really blurry, but what you're looking at is a bunch of identical cardboard Santas frozen in mid-merry jig. That, and about 10,000 lights.


A closer shot of the dancing Santas.


Completing the mansion of dancing Santas is a big ol' Star of David/Contradicting Statement over the front door.


This is just one small part of this next house.


There is such a thing as too many lawn ornaments. I'd also like to mention that the owners of this house had a special temporary wire fence erected around their front lawn, to protect their ugly crap from getting stolen. Or mercy killed. Sadly, I wasn't able to get a picture of the FOUR SLEIGHS. Not even Santa needs four sleighs!


And finally, I give you "Norrywood," complete with horrified onlookers.


Never one to follow tradition, Norrywood's Clauses are African-American, and, judging by the "black power" gesture Santa's giving, damn proud. And yes, those are replicas of Michelangelo's "David" in the background.


In fact, this house has something like fifteen David replicas lining its driveway all year round. For Christmas, they all got little Santa hats, which is awesome. On the roof of the house are scattered pillars with busts of Venus on them. Just sticking up on the roof. That's why this is the Tackiest House In All The World. And yes, that is fake snow on the yard there.

And that's it for me. Happy Holidays, I'm going home!