Time Warner Cable Sucks

I switched from DSL to Time Warner cable last month after they promised me a faster internet connection for a cheaper rate.

Three weeks later, I have to go to a coffee shop to access the internet because, for the third time in as many weeks, my internet stopped working. Angry calls to Time Warner resulted in an appointment for one of their esteemed tech people to come by and fix it on Saturday morning, which is the soonest they claimed they could get to me. I told them that I needed internet right now, as I require it to do my work and have a deadline tonight and will be screwed if it's not back by then, and Edwin the Tech Support guy informed me that I could always go to the local library or coffee shop for internet access. I said I might as well do that all the time and not pay for crappy Time Warner internet at all. He gave me a credit for one week of service. That's FIVE DOLLAS BABY!

I've already spent twice that at the wireless internet at the coffee shop, where I am surrounded by a girl with a cold who keeps sneezing and no doubt infecting me with her germs, a man dressed in a clown suit for no discernible reason who keeps smiling at me, a woman eating a pigeon sandwich, that annoying gang of pretentious fucks who hang out outside every night and take all the good seats without ever buying anything and loudly talk about stupid artsy shit, and 374 wannabe screenwriters. Not present is the hot guy who does a puppet show and refuses to acknowledge my clumsy attempts to flirt with him.

Anyway, when I'm the victim of the Los Feliz Clown Killer tomorrow, you know who to sue for causing this all to happen.

Attention Random Google Searcher:

To the person who came to this site via a google search for "web shots of middle school girls pool party":

IT IS 99% CERTAIN THAT YOU ARE A PERVERT. PLEASE TURN YOURSELF INTO THE NEAREST POLICE STATION IMMEDIATELY IF NOT SOONER.

If you happen to pass one of finer booksellers where my book is sold on your way there, feel free to stop in and buy a few copies. BUT ONLY IF YOU STAY WELL AWAY FROM THE CHILDREN'S BOOK SECTION.

My Book What I Wrote

First things first: I didn't go to Arizona. Much to my horror and dismay, my weekend was suddenly filled with important things I had to get done and I couldn't spare the day. I didn't let on to Jeff that they invited the wrong person to the party, though, so everyone cross your fingers that they'll accidentally invite me to something else in the near future.

Moving on! So I wrote an essay for a book that came out last week. Coffee at Luke's is a collection of essays about Gilmore Girls, and I was asked to contribute because of those five episodes I recapped for TWoP during Season Five. This is the first time I've ever been published. I have to admit, it's a thrill to hold a real book in my hands and read my name on the back cover. More than I thought it would be.

In all its majesty!!!!

Publisher's Weekly even reviewed it, and my essay was one of the three they mentioned. They said it was "amusing but aimless." I think they really need to up their proofreading standards; even though it was just the Web-Exclusive edition, you'd think they'd have caught such an egregious typo. Clearly, the sentence was supposed to say "amusing literary masterpiece." Don't worry -- I've already written to them about it and I'm sure they'll fix it and issue the necessary correction and apology soon.

A nice woman with incredibly good taste said in her blog that my essay was "one of the most interesting and creative." Suck on THAT, special class for creative students in middle school that wouldn't let me in because I scored four points under the minimum on the creativity test! Even though I won the Connecticut Invention Convention two years in a row!

Speaking of school, I decided to send one of the two copies the publisher sent me to my high school English teacher, Mr. Calise. Since my essay was about the town I grew up in and that we both hated, I thought he'd get a kick out of it. More importantly, he was one of the few teachers who really encouraged me and made me believe that I had ability while many of my other teachers were saying things like "you have talent, but not the right kind of talent," "I want to strangle her," and "we're suing you." It's amazing how many people out there are responsible for shaping and teaching children who clearly hate them and their jobs. I have the utmost admiration, appreciation, and gratitude for the teachers who do care. I really do. I hope both the bad and the good teachers realize the kind of impact they can have on every single one of their students' lives. I'm sure Mr. Calise does already, but I wanted to tell him myself.

Here's Smartpop's website.
Here's the Amazon listing.

By The Time I Get To Arizona

I received a second reminder about Jeff's pool party. They really want me to go. It's tomorrow at 3. Arizona is 6 hours away, according to mapquest.

We can purchase party hats on the way to the party. I'm sure there are some colorful selections at the various rest stops. We can probably get a gift for Jeff there as well. I wanted to get him Salt-N-Pepa's Very Necessary CD, but then it occurred to me that he probably already owned it. I mean, who doesn't?

So, who is coming with me? The rules are that you can't be crazy, creepy, or smell bad. And please behave yourselves accordingly once we get to Jeff's party, or else they won't accidentally invite me to anything else ever again! Also, if anyone has a videocamera, please bring it along. If you happen to own a party bus, that would be ideal.