The More Things Change

Life in my apartment complex is different these days. Two of its fixtures have left recently, and they were the two I knew best: Creepy Landlord and The Tennessee Girls.

Creepy Landlord will not be missed. He was offered a "better job" somewhere in Mexico. He sold off his Jesus Bus van (so named because it featured not one, but two "Jesus Es El Dio, Lea El Biblio" bumper stickers, both on the front and back of the van, neither of which were actually on the bumper) in favor of a shitty white pick-up truck, which both me and Evil Roommate are trying to figure out how his many, many children will all fit into. We're just glad that, come pool season, the little brats will be GONE. Plus, his abscence leaves the parking spot next to our tandem space vacant, and we have many wonderful plans about how to claim it as our own.

I'm sadder to see The Tennessee Girls go. D and J lived right below us, and moved in about the same time as we did (they actually took the apartment we were promised by the Creepy Landlord). They hated Los Angeles so much that they're leaving even though they still have three months left on their lease. They said it wasn't "friendly." One Friday night, I came home from work, and heard screaming outside. I looked down to see The Tennessee Girls in the pool, along with every single deck chair and three plastic cups full of magarita goodness. "Come on down!" they shouted to me, "we've got an extra magarita for you!" So I went downstairs and jumped in the pool, and we sat on submerged deck chairs and then D started almost-flashing the men on various apartment balconies and all the men came downstairs and stood around the pool and then J and D said that they were cold and getting out of the pool in five minutes so I had to drink my margarita RIGHT NOW, and I did, and then we got out of the pool and said good-bye to the men and I told them I would be right downstairs to watch a DVD with them, but then I passed out on my bed and they passed out on their beds too, and the next morning the deck chairs were back on the deck. Good memories, but I don't know how much longer we could have been friends. First of all, they were proud Bush supporters, but more importantly, D was totally racist. At first I thought she was like my own private Real World-style Ignorant Girl From a Small Town, and that once I opened her eyes and mind to other cultures, she would realize the err of her ways. But after a few months of mind- and eye-opening experiences, J and I still had to explain to her why outside Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles was NOT the best place to loudly talk about how her dad used to participate in lynchings. And by "used to," I'm pretty sure she meant "last week."

So who is left in our apartment building's Cast of Characters?

-Apparently Unemployed Alcoholic Guy by the Pool

-Depresso Man: always wears black motorcycle boots despite not owning a motorcycle and always greets me in the elevator or hallway with a glum "hi."

-Old Gay Men with Dog: they are always walking their annoying little yappy dog. But they'll only go a few feet away from the building so I usually see them on the grass near the parking garage gate or in the actual parking garage.

-Actor Guy: he received positive reviews for his guest appearance on Malcolm in the Middle, but he still has to sell insurance to stay out of debt.

-Man Who Leaves His Front Door Open Every Night With A Plastic Gargoyle Figure Poking Out To Warn Away Intruders: actually, I think him and Depresso Man are the same person.

-Possible Serial Killer: has a permanent sign on his/her/its door that reads "DO NOT ENTER THIS APARTMENT UNLESS I AM PRESENT. PLEASE SEE MANAGER FOR DETAILS." What could he/she/it be hiding? Could it be ... BODIES????

-Guy Whose Mail I Accidentally Stole: hey, it's not my fault that the postman put your issue of "Entertainment Weekly" in my mailbox, is it? By the time I read the address label, I had already gotten it dirty and I couldn't return it to you after that, could I? I really don't think the sign you put on the Community Announcements Board with a (too blurry for identification, ha ha ha!) FREEZE-FRAME from the security camera with a "do you recognize this person? Stealing from mailboxes is a FEDERAL CRIME!" was really necessary. That's why I stole a second issue from you, to teach you a lesson and because Jake Gyllenhaal was on the cover.

-GothHouse: a seemingly limitless number of goth kids pour out of this apartment on weekend nights. They haven't been very friendly to us since Evil Roommate, D, J, and I took turns shooting their giant rotting pumpkin balcony deocration with Evil Roommate's BB gun.

-Whoever This Guy: Is.

- Minnie the Quadraplegic: the reason why we don't have a hot tub.

-Guy Who Didn't Pay Rent on Time And So There Was A Hilarious "Notice To Evict" Sign On His Door For Two Days.

-Whoever Stole All of My Clothes Out Of the Dryers: those clothes were all I came to this town with, and you stole all of them except my delicates and chances are they don't even FIT you, you greedy bastard! You know what? KEEP the underwear! I don't care! JUST GIVE ME BACK THOSE JEANS THAT MADE MY ASS LOOK AWESOME! Please!

-Man Who Always Wears the Same Pants: he probably did not steal my clothes.

-Crazy Old Guy: the remaining population of the building.

Surely, somewhere on this list of Colorful Characters, there's a new friend for me!