Our Lady of Fatima

At some point in the distant past, someone named Lazaria Chinchilla lived in our apartment. Or, at the very least, had our phone number. She doesn't anymore, but that doesn't mean we don't get calls for her all the damn time. Usually it's from someone called "the ADC" who are "about to make a decision concerning" us, and if we would like to be part of this decision, we should call some number back. When they started calling every day and leaving the same damn message on our machine, I actually called the number back and told them that we did not know who they were or what decision they could possibly be making concerning us and to leave us alone, thank you.

Yesterday, when Evil Roommate came home, I told him to check out the newest message on our machine:

Geneve: Hello, Mrs. Chinchilla. This is Geneve from the America [inaudible] Fatima, and I'm calling to let you know that the [inaudible] Statue of Our Lady of Fatima is going to be in your area visiting homes. If you would like the honor of having the Statue of Our Lady of Fatima in your home, please call toll-free, 1-888-460-7371. Do give me a call as soon as possible. Thank you, and God bless you.

When Geneve stated the phone number, I heard the beeping of our phone being dialed.

Sara: What are you doing?!
Evil Roommate: I want the Statue of Our Lady of Fatima to visit our home. Oh, but what if it they charge us for it?
Sara: They won't charge us, they'll charge that bitch Mrs. Chinchilla, which is just what she deserves for not notifying everyone of her phone number change.

So Evil Roommate called America [inaudible] Fatima and left the following message, in which he made his voice sound like a cross between Miss Piggy and the Jennifer Lopez hand puppet Cartman had on South Park:

Evil Roommate: Hello, this is Mrs. Chinchilla. I would very much like the honor of having the Statue of Our Lady of Fatima in my home. Please deliver it soon. My address is (and here he said our address, which I'm not going to reveal). Thank you so much, and God bless you. I voted for Bush!

He started laughing about five seconds into leaving the message, but I'm pretty sure all the pertinent information got through. It was a brilliant of Evil Roommate to say that he voted for Bush; a proclamation of piety like that is sure to put us on the "Preferred Statue Host" list.

We can't wait for the Statue of Our Lady of Fatima to arrive! We don't know how big she'll be, so we're making sure we have space to accomodate any size Statue of Our Lady of Fatima. If she's a life-size statue, we'll move the loveseat and put her against the living room wall. But if she's smaller than that, we'll put her on the entertainment center next to the TV. If she's bigger than life-size, but is still shorter than the ceiling, we'll move the dining table and put her in the dining room, in front of the window. And if she's taller than our ceilings, we'll put her on the balcony.

We wondered what she would look like; I thought she would resemble the lady who holds the scales of Justice. Evil Roommate thought she would be on some sort of dais. If she's really pretty, we might just have to put her in the center of the living room, as long as she isn't blocking the TV. One place she won't go is where the treadmill is, because I just started getting back into exercising and even the Statue of Our Lady of Fatima won't stop me from getting fit.

I found a picture of what our Our Lady of Fatima might look like:

Click on the picture to see some of the awesome things we can do when our Our Lady of Fatima arrives!

Geneve hasn't called us back yet, but we'll give her another day.