Not My Goodies

Starting this past Monday, (f)unemployment is over. I'm back at Survivor, which is great for two reasons:

1. I am getting paid.

2. It's not The Apprentice.

On my way home tonight I discovered yet a third reason: I SAW A CRACKWHORE GET SOLICITED!!!

This calls for some playing with text color and size:

!!!!!!!!!!!!AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!

Here's what happened: I saw a woman walking down the street. She looked exactly like Reno 911!'s Jackie the Crackwhore, down to the hair, hat, and "I'm totally not sober" walk.

Jackie the Crackwhore

And then! The car in front of me suddenly pulled over, which pissed me off because he didn't quite get out of my lane so I couldn't get around him and had to stay there until the left lane was clear. But then Jackie walked up to the passenger window and started talking to the guy and that's when I realized that she was a crackwhore AND she was being solicited by a scumbag guy (I knew he was a scumbag because of how he didn't pull over to the curb enough for me to be able to drive around him. That's what scumbags do).

This calls for some more celebration music, which will be performed by Ciara, featuring Petey Pablo with their hit single "Goodies," which was playing on my radio when this all happened. The site of a crackwhore and her John was so shocking to me that I didn't even think to change the station. I hate this song. It is the worst song in the history of songs.

Ciara: My goodies, my goodies, my goodies, not my goodies!

Petey Pablo: I got a sick reputation for handlin broads
All I need is me a few seconds or more.
And in my rap
Tell valet to bring my 'Lac
And I ain't comin back
So you can put a car right there.
I'm the truth
And ain't got nothin' to prove.
An' you can ask anybody
Cuz they seen me do it.
Barracades, I run right through 'em
I'm used to 'em.
Throw all the dirt you want it's no use.
You still won't have a pinup in a fabulous room
On her back pickin' out baskets of fruit.
(I love you boo)
Yeah freaky petey love you too.
Ha Ha
You know how I do.

Ciara: You may look at me and think that I'm
Just a young girl
But I'm not just a young girl.
Baby this is what I'm lookin' for:
Sexy, independent, down to spend it type that's gettin' his dough
I'm not bein too dramatic that's the way I gotta have it.

"CHORUS": I bet you want the goodies.
Bet you thought about it.
Got you all hot and bothered.
Mad cause I talk about them.
Lookin for the goodies
Keep on lookin' cuz they stay in the jar
Oh-oh Oh-oh Oh-oh Oh-oh

Ciara: Just because you drive a Benz
I'm not goin home with you.
You won't get no nookie or the cookies
I'm no rookie.
And still I'm
Sexy, independent I ain't wit' it so you already know.
I'm not bein too dramatic that's the way
I gotta have it
You think you're slick
Tryna hit
But I'm not dumb
I'm not bein too dramatic it's just how I gotta have it

"CHORUS"

Petey Pablo:So damn hot but so young.
Still got milk on ya tongue
Slow down lil one
And you ain't got it all
Hey shawty
You think you bad
but you ain't bad
I'll show you what bad is.
Bad is when you capable of beatin' the baddest.
I been workin' at it since I came to this planet
And I ain't quite there yet but I'm gettin' better at it.
Matter of fact,
Lemme tell it to you one mo' again
All I got to do is tell a girl who I am
(Petey!)
Ain't naa chick in here dat I can't have
Bada boom bada bam ba bam!

Ciara: You're insinuating that I'm hot
But these goodies boy are not
Just for any of the many men that's tryna get on top.
No you can't call me later
And I don't want your number.
I'm not changin' stories
Just respect the play I'm callin'.

"CHORUS" (2X)

Uh...Yeah...Uh...Yeah Uh Uh Uh

Really, this song is freaking horrible. It has NO TUNE. The main "instrument" in the song, besides, of course, the stunning voice of Ciara (a.k.a. "Ashanti but even less talented if such a thing is possible") is the piercing whine of feedback noise, which alternates its pitch throughout the song. And then there's that stupid "crunk" thing that I can only describe as the sound you get when you make a song with Super Nintendo's Mario Paint and you put a Yoshi in the middle of two geese. Oh no wait, I have another description for those of you who don't know Mario Paint: it sounds like ass.

But even though I hate the ass-crunk-music, I have to admit there's a special place in my heart for Petey Pablo's "Freak-a-Leek," solely because of its chorus:

FREAKALEEK!
(Do you like it daddy?)
Shameka
Keisha
(Do you like it daddy?)
Tara
FREAKALEEK!
Shonda
(Do you like it daddy?)
Sabrina
Crystal
(Do you like it daddy?)
Daronda
FREAKALEEK!
Theresa
(Do you like it daddy?)
Falicia
Tenisha
(Do you like it daddy?)
Sharon
FREAKALEEK!
Monica
(Do you like it daddy?)
Monique
Christina
(Do you like it daddy?)
Yolanda

He just lists a bunch of names! And what the hell is "Sharon" doing in between "Falicia" and "Shameka?" And I don't even think "Shonda" and "Daronda" are real names; he just wanted to rhyme them with "Yolanda." Awesome.