What The Hell Is This Thing.

Dude. I found this thing hanging out on my ceiling last night. After dispatching it in the traditional way by spraying liberal amounts of bleach at it while maintaining the greatest possible distance, I was able to take a few pictures for all my entomologists out there to identify it with. Because I have NO FUCKING CLUE what it is. Maybe it's some common house bug in California, but I have never seen this thing before and it may just be the most horrible, horrible crawling thing I've ever seen that wasn't in a zoo. Even worse than that giant cockroach a few posts back. So please tell me what it is and if it's dangerous and if it will bring friends.

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Here it is after my trusty bleach took care of it. It took a while to die and moved fast, so I ended up spraying bleach all over my apartment and had to air it out for the rest of the night.

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As it died, all its legs fell off and twitched madly, which is just fucking horrible and nasty oh my god what if this thing has crawled over my face while I'm sleeping ew ew ew ew

This should be the last post of mine that features horrible pictures of horrible bugs, as there cannot possibly be anything worse than this in my apartment. But if there is, I will probably run the hell out of there and straight to the local Orkin Man and then to the nearest reasonably-priced apartment with a vacancy.



Best Spam Ever

I got this in my email this morning:

"Forward message service by FMS

From: Mark
Subject: Weight

This is not meant to be an insult or
anything but people are talking at work
about your weight.I thought you should know.
I know it would upset you if you knew but I
know some friends here and outside work that
have used a program that worked within weeks.
I am not pushing anything on you but thought
it wouldn't hurt if you looked at it. I also
think I am doing you a favor as it's always
nice when people talk about how much better
you look than how much you've been putting on.
I hope I am not intruding, just trying to help
out. My cousin & friend Mike used this and it
helped alot. Here is the site I know they got
it from direct.
**website address deleted so as not to encourage them**

Again, I'm just trying to help out.
Thanks for listening.


Usually, spam comes to me in the form of "enlarge your pen1s!" or it's from some woman who read my profile and really wants to meet me. Stuff that a heterosexual female wouldn't be interested in. Not this time! They tricked me but good.

At first, I thought the email was real and got super pissed off. How dare my co-workers talk about me like that! I go to the gym! I try to eat well! I may have gained a few pounds after a trip home full of local culinary delights, but is it really that noticeable? I mean, Jesus Christ, I'm still a size 4! What the hell? And does everyone just sit around and talk about how fat I've been lately? Don't they have work to do? What a bunch of assholes! And it's not like they're so svelte and shapely that they can really talk. Except for Karrie, who has a side job as a pilates instructor. Thank god there are people like Mark out there to tell me the truth.

And then I realized that: 1. I don't work with anyone named Mark and, perhaps more importantly, 2. As of last Friday, I don't even have a job. So either that was a very clever spam email or someone with an email address very similar to mine works in an office full of gossipy assholes and one guy who thinks he's so above it all that he directly tells his co-worker that everyone thinks s/he's fat now and then has the nerve to think he's doing the person a favor. What a douchebag! I wrote him back on the person he meant to email's behalf:

"Wow, Mark! Thanks for the tip! I'll check that site out right away -- I've been kinda concerned about my weight lately and this might be just the ticket.

By the way, I thought you should know that people at work are talking about your constant emailing of your co-workers with passive-aggressive insults about their appearance. I don't know a website you can check out to fix that, but you might want to stop it before we corner you in the parking garage after work and knife you. Watch your back.

Thanks for listening,


A Lesson From Me To You

If you neglect regular car maintenance, you might end up spending over $800 when you finally do take it in for a tune-up that turns into a round of tire patching, brake replacing, thermostat-housing-repairing, battery changing fun!

Also, don't drive over a bed of nails. Which I apparently did once. Shit.



So I haven't updated since ... uh ... June. To my credit, that's the end of June, not the beginning. But I'll be back. For reals this time. And this blog isn't the only thing I've neglected over the last few months. Here's a complete list:

-the dishes
-regular car maintenance
-clothes shopping
-shoe shopping
-food shopping
-starting a sensible retirement savings plan
-fortifying my residence against future cockroach attacks
-responding to emails (I swear, 73-year-old guy who emailed me like two months ago, that I WILL write back to you!)

I'm sure there are other things, but I can't think of them right now. Anyway, I'm back. I think.