Best Spam Ever

I got this in my email this morning:

"Forward message service by FMS

From: Mark
Subject: Weight

This is not meant to be an insult or
anything but people are talking at work
about your weight.I thought you should know.
I know it would upset you if you knew but I
know some friends here and outside work that
have used a program that worked within weeks.
I am not pushing anything on you but thought
it wouldn't hurt if you looked at it. I also
think I am doing you a favor as it's always
nice when people talk about how much better
you look than how much you've been putting on.
I hope I am not intruding, just trying to help
out. My cousin & friend Mike used this and it
helped alot. Here is the site I know they got
it from direct.
**website address deleted so as not to encourage them**

Again, I'm just trying to help out.
Thanks for listening.


Usually, spam comes to me in the form of "enlarge your pen1s!" or it's from some woman who read my profile and really wants to meet me. Stuff that a heterosexual female wouldn't be interested in. Not this time! They tricked me but good.

At first, I thought the email was real and got super pissed off. How dare my co-workers talk about me like that! I go to the gym! I try to eat well! I may have gained a few pounds after a trip home full of local culinary delights, but is it really that noticeable? I mean, Jesus Christ, I'm still a size 4! What the hell? And does everyone just sit around and talk about how fat I've been lately? Don't they have work to do? What a bunch of assholes! And it's not like they're so svelte and shapely that they can really talk. Except for Karrie, who has a side job as a pilates instructor. Thank god there are people like Mark out there to tell me the truth.

And then I realized that: 1. I don't work with anyone named Mark and, perhaps more importantly, 2. As of last Friday, I don't even have a job. So either that was a very clever spam email or someone with an email address very similar to mine works in an office full of gossipy assholes and one guy who thinks he's so above it all that he directly tells his co-worker that everyone thinks s/he's fat now and then has the nerve to think he's doing the person a favor. What a douchebag! I wrote him back on the person he meant to email's behalf:

"Wow, Mark! Thanks for the tip! I'll check that site out right away -- I've been kinda concerned about my weight lately and this might be just the ticket.

By the way, I thought you should know that people at work are talking about your constant emailing of your co-workers with passive-aggressive insults about their appearance. I don't know a website you can check out to fix that, but you might want to stop it before we corner you in the parking garage after work and knife you. Watch your back.

Thanks for listening,