No, it's not the time my apartment got broken into, although that certainly comes close. This is something far worse: I went to Jamba Juice yesterday after a way-too-long absence only to find that my favorite smoothie, the Citrus Squeeze, was NO LONGER ON THE MENU. And to make matters worse, my second-favorite smoothie, the Orange-A-Peel, was also NOT ON THE MENU. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS. Now there are no choices on the menu that combine my favorite smoothie flavors -- orange, strawberry, and banana. There's some blueberry-banana concoction that probably tastes like ass and some kiwi-strawberry crap, but nothing that combines them all. Peach Pleasure can Peach Piss Off and Mango-A-Go-Go can Mango-A-Go-Go-To-Hell! I WANT MY CITRUS SQUEEZE AND/OR ORANGE-A-PEEL!

People out there, please tell me: is this a nationwide thing or specific to the West Hollywood Gateway Jamba Juice? Because if it's nationwide, I have a protest rally to plan.



I Hate Russian Television

So it turns out that the walls on my new apartment are not made of paper after all -- we just have a deaf Russian lady for a neighbor. She watches Russian television all day long at an incredible volume. Like, it's so loud that I don't know how the speakers on her TV haven't exploded yet. And the stuff she watches! Horrible songs, horrible singing, horrible sound effects! Horrible, horrible! Why can't she watch Russian PBS like old people are supposed to? Why does she watch music videos? Shouldn't she hate that kind of stuff?

I don't know why the other neighbors haven't complained about this yet, but they haven't, so I had to. But first I had to be nice. I went by her place and rang the doorbell, which was some special Sonic Alert thing for deaf people. BECAUSE SHE's DEAF. WHY IS SHE WATCHING TV IF SHE'S DEAF??? DOES CLOSED CAPTIONING NOT COME IN RUSSIAN?? Anyway, she answered, and when she opened the door she let out a blast of sound waves that almost threw me backwards into her neighbor's door. So this woman is both deaf and Russian, which makes communicating with her really difficult. But I managed to do so by pointing to my ears and then making a "turn the volume dial DOWN" motion with my hand. And it worked! She turned the volume down to slightly more acceptable levels and that was that.

But now it's the next day, and the bitch has turned her TV back up. Am I going to have to go to her apartment every day and tell her to turn it down? Should I go looking for pamphlets on hearing aids with Russian translations and slide them under her door? Or should I just sneak out tonight and destroy her Russian-TV-giving satellite dish? There is a fourth option, which my roommate suggested, of waiting for her to die, but she seems pretty stout and healthy so that probably won't happen any time soon.