The Lady Next Door is a Criminal Mastermind

I was going to post an ode to my new laptop, but as I was typing I heard the distinctive clanging of metal and crappy wheels on pavement. I ran to the door and opened it to find the lady from next door shoving a shopping cart under my stairs again. She was trying to be all stealth about it, but she's deaf so what sounds like near silence to her is a thunderous roar to me, especially when it's her television. Incidentally, she was watching a kd lang video the other day. What's that about? Is "Constant Craving" still on the charts in Russia? Anyway, she saw me open the door from between the strands of her cheap fake-ass wig and we had this conversation.

Horrible Woman: This not my cart. Why cart here?
Sara: It's not my cart. Please don't put it under my stairs.

You guys, I was determined not to let her win this time. My stairs are not a storage place for stolen goods, especially not when those goods have been stolen from Trader Joe's, where I've been going for several mornings now to take advantage of their free samples of omelets and coffee. Trader Joe's takes good care of its customers and they don't ask for anything in return except that we don't steal their shopping carts. And they ask it in both English and Russian on several signs posted by the exit, so there's no excuse. Also, I was mad that she was trying to lie to me when I caught her red-handed.

Horrible Woman: Not my cart.
Sara: It's not mine and I didn't put it there. I don't want it under my stairs. If you can't find a place to keep it then you shouldn't steal it in the first place.
Horrible Woman: I put here. Good for everyone.

And with that, she parked the cart under my stairs and shuffled away. What could I say? She has no values, no logic. She steals a shopping cart to bring her groceries home and apparently expects it to disappear once she's finished with it and is puzzled when it does not. Instead of returning it to the place she stole it from, she parks it under her neighbor's staircase even though she's been told before not to do that and then figures it's not her problem and the shopping cart fairy will come tonight to take it away. As long as it's not in her way, it's "good for everyone." And she's old and decrepit (but not enough so that I'm confident she'll die soon) and doesn't speak English so I can't argue with her. For those of you keeping score at home, that's Horrible Woman: 2 and Sara: 0.

The Flowchart

This will only make sense if you watch House and read my latest recap:



I had to put the flowchart up here because TWoP can't put images in recaps, even though they can apparently put images everywhere else and on top of each other.