Awesome New Diet

A few weeks ago, I started getting stomach aches in the middle of the night. Since I always have milk and cookies just before bed, I decided that I must have suddenly become lactose intolerant. Really suddenly. As in, on Thursday I drank milk and it was awesome, then on Friday I drank milk and it hurt like a motherfucker. I thought that was a little strange, but I bought some Lactaid and took that before I ate dairy and things seemed okay, so I figured that was the end of it.

And then I was at Dan's house, having just finished a most delicious meal of chili-cheese fries, Patra's style, when I started feeling really sick. Then I threw up. How can something as delicious as chili-cheese fries are going down taste so bad coming back up? That was followed by a week of stomach aches and throwing up, but I thought it was just stress since I had four things due for TWoP, a sample column due for a magazine that was interested in giving me a freelance gig and will be the biggest thing in my career if it actually happens, and my laptop crashed. Thanks so much, Mac, for making iBooks with logic boards that "fail" after only a year and a half. And can only be fixed by mailing it to Mac and waiting two to three weeks for them to install a new logic board. So I was stressed out and sometimes I get stomach aches when I'm nervous, although these stomach aches were different and the throwing up was new.

And then my week of hell ended and all my stuff got turned in and I got a new computer and I was feeling lots better. For three days. Then I spent last Tuesday morning throwing up over and over and over again until there was absolutely nothing left to give.

I reached two conclusions that morning:

1. The underside of my toilet bowl could use a good scrubbing.

2. I had to call a doctor.

So I saw a gastroenterologist, who informed me that you actually can't become lactose intolerant in one day and that if I have unexplained barfing and severe stomach pain in the future, I might want to consult a health professional sooner rather than later. And then he loaded me up with drugs for my ulcer.

That's right -- I have an ulcer. And it sucks total ass. I don't even know how it happened. Apparently, they aren't caused by stress but by some evil bacteria that can live in your stomach even though it's full of acid. Fuck you, H. pylori.

The pain is gone now and I haven't barfed since last Thursday, so the drugs are working. I have to take prescription acid jet blockers for at least the next three weeks. They taste like cherries. I spent last week eating applesauce and bananas (until I threw those up too) and sipping chicken broth. It will be another week before I can drink coffee or alcohol or eat anything with tomatoes in it.

Every cloud has a silver lining, however. I lost six pounds! EXULTATION!