Pubic Transportation

I used public transportation all the time when I was in England. I had to, since I wasn't about to rent a car and drive on those ten-foot-tall-hedge-lined half-a-line-wide things they call "streets." It was cheap (although not as much as it used to be now that the pound is the highest its ever been against the dollar in my lifetime. Awesome), convenient, and reasonably easy to navigate as long as you can understand the thick Welsh accent of the old woman you have to ask for help. I came home to LA inspired. It, too, has a public transportation system. I would use it, and not only would I save money by not having to buy wicked expensive gas, but I'd also be helping to save the Earth.

I'm sad to report that this has been a disaster. While part of me enjoys the thrill I get from not paying for the subway (stations are unmanned, so you're pretty much on the honor system when it comes to buying a ticket. If you get caught without one, it's a $250 fine and 48 hours of community service. I am fully prepared to make a run for it if I get stopped by the Metro police. Even if they catch me, it promises to be exciting!) after Los Angeles has ripped me off so many times for so much money, the fact is that the subway comes every 12 minutes during the day and every 20 minutes at night. You miss the train and you're stuck waiting 20 minutes for the next one in the bowels of the faultline-ridden earth, surrounded by the colorful folks who either take the subway or just like to hang out in the station all day, and with no Metro authority around to protect you from them. Not only that, but the stations are so far apart that you'll probably end up walking another twenty minutes to your destination. And that's if the train goes to where you're going at all. If you're heading to somewhere that isn't the Valley, downtown, or Hollywood Blvd, then it isn't.

Today I tried the buses. They go everywhere and run all the time, based on their heavy presence on the streets. My trip to the gym began at 5:10 pm as I waited at the DASH stop. The DASH line only costs a quarter and it stops right in front of my building and pretty close to my gym. DASH likes to brag about how it comes every thirty minutes. A half an hour is a long time. They shouldn't be proud of that. They should be ashamed. If I have to wait thirty minutes for a bus to arrive, I might as well walk to the gym. The bus was ten minutes late arriving and it took almost an hour to get to the gym, a mere two miles away. During this hour, I came to a realization: I hate people. I hate being surrounded by them and I hate that there are like twenty open seats on the bus but they all have to sit next to me. Go away, people! I really took the ability to lock my car doors and keep people several feet away from me for granted. Not anymore. And, of course, on-board entertainment was provided by a screaming child whose parents must have been deaf because they didn't tell him to shut it once. Deaf, and fucking rude. Surrounded by screaming children and several examples of why Riding the Bus With My Sister could be a completely true story, I decided that whatever I have to pay to drive my own car is totally worth it and that I fucking hate the Planet Earth and want it to die, die, die. Which means that bus ride turned me into one of the Captain Planet villians. I hope I'm Dr. Blight and not the pig guy.

Dr. Blight was a lot cooler before I found this picture of her on an erotic site for cameltoe fetishists.

Time Warner cable stopped by my apartment today for the service appointment that I could have sworn I cancelled yesterday. I told them to fuck themselves and their shitty service, ha ha! That felt good at the time, but now I have to rely on the coffee shop internet again, which means I have to listen to the weird bald guy tell anyone who will listen about how he's from England when I'm pretty sure he picked up a fake accent from watching A Hard Day's Night several times.