L.A.me

I Am Skating On Sunday!

2009-11-13T11:19:00.001-08:00

I'll be playing in my second Baby Doll Brawl this Sunday! My team is the ICE VIXENS. Note that a certain someone is playing for some team called Hell's Belles. Ugh. The ICE VIXENS are where it's at!

That's me at 0:37 getting hit into a rail during the last bout! I'm sure it'll happen again this time, so if you want to see the non-stop Sara-crushing action, the Doll Factory is the place to be this Sunday at 3!

Here are more details that someone else wrote up to make my life that much easier:

Watch the Live Feed -- Sunday, November 15th, 3pm Pacific -- RIGHT HERE.

-OR-

Buy Tickets HERE to come see the action LIVE!

Bring the whole family to the Factory on Sunday for the bi-annual Baby Doll Brawl. This daytime, all-ages event is an exhibition bout for the league’s newest skaters and notorious for the most gruesome hits. Scope out the up-and-comers before they’re drafted – this is your sneak preview of the 2010 season! Don’t miss the half-time mini-bout featuring pint-sized skaters from the L.A. Junior Derby Dolls.

Fans will be rocking and rolling to bass n' drum rock duo Evil Beaver, who will perform at halftime. Derby Dolls events offer a full range of entertainment off the track, with the Vendor Village featuring art, jewelry and clothes, food from Garage Pizza and Hot Dog on a Stick; wine from Paso Creek; beer from Tecate and Alex’s Bar.

The L.A. Derby Dolls are one of only five leagues in the U.S. playing roller derby on a banked track. Like most modern female roller derby leagues, the Derby Dolls are volunteer-run and give back to the community that has embraced them.

I Got An Ice Cream Cake

2009-11-12T11:30:00.001-08:00

For Guy Fawkes Day last week.

I decorated it myself. The store didn't have any orange-colored gel icing.

Dear DirecTV

2009-10-20T17:10:00.000-07:00

Dear DirecTV,

We've had a good time together, you and I. Remember when your technicians came and installed you in my new apartment on Superbowl Sunday so I could watch the Patriots lose their perfect season? And then how you were only $40 a month for the first year? And your DVR was so easy to use and the picture so clear -- so much better and cheaper than cable.

But now you're costing me $60 a month, and I just realized that the only channel I watch that I can't get with the $30 per month Family Package is Bravo. And I can watch their shows on Hulu and the Bravo site. Sure, I might have to wait an extra week before they put the episode up, but quite frankly Top Chef isn't very good this season so I don't mind.

But I did try, DirecTV. I called your customer service line and asked Andrew if he could give me a credit or something so I didn't have to find a way to justify spending $30 a month for Bravo. He offered me a monthly credit for $5. Now I have to find a way to justify spending $25 a month for Bravo. Or, really, for Top Chef. That's $300 a year. Um, that's a lot. That's like a hundred Starbucks. Starbucks > Top Chef. So I'll be going with the $30 a month Family Package. But it could be worse. At least I still subscribe to your service, unlike the rest of my poor friends who just get all of their TV from the internet because it's free and you're expensive.

Sincerely,
Sara

We Won!

2009-09-25T19:51:00.001-07:00

So my Baby Doll Brawl team won the bout that was ... like ... three months ago. Whoops! I suck at updating. But there's an awesome clip from the bout of me getting nailed into a railing in this bout intro video! I get hit around 0:29:

FUN FACT: That hit did not hurt. But I did sprain my ankle during warm-ups before the bout even started all by myself! It turns out that if your skates are on really tight and you sprain your ankle, you won't actually feel it until after the bout when you take those skates off. Then this happens:

Worth it!

There is a Slap Chop Rap

2009-07-13T18:24:00.000-07:00

I haven't said much about Vince since that whole unfortunate arrest for beating up/being beaten up by a hooker thing happened, but when I saw this I just couldn't resist. It's the Slap Chop Rap!!!

Apparently, the Slap Chop people liked it so much that they're using it as their commercial and probably paying the guy who did it way less than he deserves. But now that Vince has become all mainstream and everyone knows about his awesomeness, I think it's time to move away from him and focus on my latest infomercial obsession: Tony Horton and P90X. Every time I see that infomercial I am that much closer to buying it. Which is bad news because it ends up costing like $200 with all the additional workout stuff you have to get. But the infomercial says it really works!

And I'll Be Wearing Silver Hot Pants

2009-06-24T12:51:00.000-07:00

Pamie flew off the track at last night's roller derby practice and writes about her fun experience here. She did a lot of screaming at first, but then she got up and re-joined practice like a rock star. Very impressive, but I think she made a big mistake by trying not to land on her head. A few months ago I fell off the track and landed on my head, and I'm totally fine now spiders milk tomatoes sdlajgsajtbasynjs

And if that's the stuff that happens in practice, you know you're in for a treat when it comes to the actual game this Saturday! So ...

Buy tickets now!

NO CAMERAS ALLOWED! MUST HAVE ID IF YOU ARE 21+

First, at 3 p.m., witness the ALL AGES Baby Doll Brawl featuring our newest rookie skaters! This is our
rare, all-ages bout with spectacular spills and thrills and a beer garden for adventurous adults. Children under 10 free for general admission/$5 for VIP for children under 10.

Then, L.A.'s All Star B Team made up of top skaters from all 4 league teams (Fight Crew, Sirens, Tough Cookies, Varsity Brawlers), the Aftershockers, battle it out on our banked track against the Prom Queens, a mix of SoCal flat track skaters from the Angel City Derby Girls and more. Door opens at 6:30 p.m. This event is 21+ and you MUST have your ID.

Double your derby! Double your fun!
L.A. Derby Dolls host TWO bouts in ONE day of all-girl banked track roller derby action!

At the Doll Factory, 1910 W. Temple Street, Los Angeles

My First Roller Derby Bout!

2009-06-22T23:05:00.000-07:00

So I joined the Los Angeles Derby Dolls last year by accident thanks to a certain friend of mine who tricked me into it. And I love her for it, because I'm really enjoying myself and it came at a time in my life when I wasn't enjoying much of anything and I probably wouldn't have had the guts to do this on purpose. It's been an awesome experience both physically and mentally. Except not so much this week, because now I have to actually skate in front of a paying audience and try not to embarrass myself and/or die. Oops! Don't you want to watch me get splattered across a painted wooden bank track? Well, if you live in the LA area, you totally can! Pam did a much better job with all the details than I ever could, so head on over to her site for all the info.

If you do come, be sure to cheer for #1952. Or just watch the above video for some of the greatest hits from last week's scrimmage. I'm pretty sure that's me at 0:28 sliding down the track on my face. Good times!

Shameless Plug

2009-05-13T13:12:00.000-07:00

Quick everybody! Head over to Lilly Likes to read my article about the best places to find full episodes of classic TV on the internet. The more hits they get, the better for me and the site itself, which is then better for me. It's all about me! And you, since you'll benefit from my knowledge and therefore become a better person.

Roller Derby Fun This Saturday!

2009-05-06T09:46:00.001-07:00

So I joined the roller derby. More on that later, but for now there's a bout this Saturday that promises to be amazing. If you're in the area, it's a great time.

Buy tickets here before they sell out!

My New Urban Legend

2009-02-05T16:50:00.000-08:00

I've decided to start an urban legend:

Have you ever wondered why the term "midget" is offensive to little people but "dwarf" is not? Blame Disney. They agreed to donate a million dollars to the Little People of America to keep "dwarf" from being considered offensive so they wouldn't have to rename and edit their 1937 movie "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" for political correctness.

PASS IT ON. I wanna see this baby in Snopes by the end of the year.

Vince Is Back!!!

2009-01-27T14:30:00.000-08:00

Clearly, I am not the only person fascinated by Vince, the crappy product pitchman. Slap Chop scooped him and his little headset up for this slice of brilliance:

I love the way he throws the worthless uncleanable Slap Chop competitor behind his back into the sink. And his little pearls of wisdom! "Stop having a boring tuna, stop having boring life." He's right. My life is boring, and it's because I don't put carrots and radishes in my tuna. It's time for a change. And when he tells me life is hard enough as it is without crying over onions, he's doubly right. Life is hard, and I don't want to cry anymore! And this line: "Fettuccine linguine martini bikini." Exactly.

But is the Slap Chop made by Germans? They always make the best stuff.

OH COME ON

2009-01-16T11:24:00.001-08:00

OH COME ON
Originally uploaded by morrisonsara

I finally get an awesome shot of a hummingbird, and it's taking a dump.

How I Got Rabies

2009-01-07T12:15:00.000-08:00

First of all, I do not actually have rabies. The title is a joke. I feel the need to clear this up so as to avoid a frantic phone call from my mother.

Anyway! Last night I was walking from the laundry room back into my apartment, and came upon two raccoons. I knew they were around, as my upstairs neighbor mentioned them as one of the reasons why I should stop leaving a little dish of cat food out for the neighborhood stray cat I felt sorry for. But I'd never seen them before. One of them took off up a tree, but the other decided to stick around and observe me. It turned out that he loved being the center of attention and was quite photogenic. Look!

Isn't he cute? For allowing me to take pictures of him, I gave him some of the cat food, being sure to do so quietly so the upstairs neighbor wouldn't know of my raccoon-attracting activities. I left a small pile of the stuff just outside my door, and my raccoon friend got brave enough to come eat it. He even brought his shy friend!

By the end of the night, they got greedy and came back to my door and stared in at me in the hopes that I would leave them some more food. I did, although by that point they were brave enough to start walking towards me when I came outside with a bag of food, which was kind of unsettling since I like looking at the raccoons but I don't like getting rabies. Plus, they're surprisingly big and I'm fairly sure the two of them could overpower me and take over my apartment if they really wanted to. So I kind of yelped and threw the food at them and ran back inside. They didn't seem to mind that, since they got food.

New Camera!

2009-01-04T21:57:00.000-08:00

I got a new camera for Christmas! It's not an SLR, but it's close enough for me. It's a Panasonic FZ28. It has 18x optical zoom plus I got a teleconversion lens that adds another 1.7x zoom to that for a total of 30.6x optical zoom! That's so much zoom that I just had to show off:

I wanted to take some pictures of hummingbirds, too, but there's a problem. You see, this other bird has decided that the hummingbird feeder is his territory now, and he keeps trying to get food out of it. He can't, but that doesn't stop him from trying:

He tries all day long and poops all over my porch. And if a hummingbird dares to approach the feeder, he chases it away. This is terrible! What can I do to get rid of it and get my hummingbirds back? I tried leaving it some bread crumbs to eat instead, but it ignored them and then a squirrel got them. Oh, and he also likes to peck at my windows. He'll just fly up and tap away and scare the crap out of me. Stupid bird! I hate him.

Happy New Year From Vince

2009-01-02T17:57:00.000-08:00

Look what/who was waiting for me in my mailbox when I got home last night!

I'm totally going to get me some ShamWows now that I see they can be used to clean sheepdogs. It just so happens that my New Year's resolution is to get a sheepdog!

Please don't ask me why I get catalogs from Harriet Carter.

Intrepid Nature Photographer

2008-12-03T11:35:00.000-08:00

I got a hummingbird feeder earlier this year, and braved my lack of DIY skills to put it up on my porch. So far, it's paid off. Hummingbirds actually come to my feeder! Lots of them! Several a day! I can take or leave most birds, but I love hummingbirds. I tried to take pictures of my little friends to show to all of you, but for months my efforts have been futile:

The hummingbirds were either too fast, as you can see from this gray-brown blur,

or too shy, as you can see from this hummingbird's ass and adorable little feet.

And yes, hummingbirds that refuse to pose for pictures get the dreaded comic sans font. But today, I finally did it! I got a nice picture of a female Anna's hummingbird. ACCOMPLISHMENT! Behold:

Another Neighbor Took Up The Cause

2008-11-23T16:10:00.000-08:00

So I made peace with the lady next door. She still leaves her shopping carts by the stairs, but she leaves them on the other side of the stairs, where they're not in my way. It turns out that there's another, even more Russian woman who lives next to her who's determined to put the shopping carts on the side of the stairs where they're in my way. I keep catching her do it, but when I nicely and politely (seriously, I say please and stuff) ask her to stop and to put the cart back, she does not. So I put it back for her. Then she comes outside and puts it on the other side. Then I put it back. Each time saying, "please keep it on this side. On that side, it's in my way. Thank you." The other day, she actually pushed the cart into me in her zeal to put it on the other side of the stairs. When she did it today, I was ready. With a camera!

Here she is, ready to swing the cart around and put it where it doesn't belong.

And here she is again with the cart now moved to a spot that's in my way.

Please observe the white piece of paper in her hand in the last picture. She rolled it up and hit me with it. Hit me! With a rolled up piece of paper! I could have gotten a papercut! Stupid crazy lady. How does she know I won't sue her or I'm not one of those violent Americans with a gun? She's lucky that I couldn't get the video function of my camera to work right so I didn't get her attack on tape. But I will next time, and then I'll call the police and they can explain to her why you don't 1. steal shopping carts, 2. deliberately put them in the path of other neighbors, and 3. hit people.

She does have cool sunglasses though.

The Cold War Is Over!

2008-10-30T12:49:00.000-07:00

Last night, I somehow made friends with the Russian woman next door. It turns out that she wasn't the person I saw a while back putting the cart under my stairs again. There are no less than three old Russian ladies living in apartments off that stairwell who all look the same to me (I can't tell white people apart), and it was a different one I caught with the cart. And then, the other day, I caught the third lady trying to put another cart under my stairs.

I was heading out to Trader Joe's last night when I saw my next door neighbor at the sidewalk coming home with a cart of groceries. She saw me and, amazingly, stopped her cart and took her bags out to bring them to her apartment -- thereby leaving the cart on the sidewalk and not on the walkway where it is in my way. I was touched, so I offered to carry her bags back for her. She, in turn, was similarly touched, and told me (the best she could, not knowing much English and me not knowing any Russian) that she bought headphones so she could listen to her TV without turning the volume up and bothering me! I can't believe it! How considerate of her! She also said she has a bad shoulder, so I told her to come get me anytime she needed help with her groceries and I'd be happy to carry them for her. And then I returned the cart to Trader Joe's, where the sample station was giving out delicious pumpkin bread.

I Love You More

2008-10-24T23:34:00.000-07:00

I keep seeing this commercial and it creeps me out every time so I thought I'd share it with all of you. I hard a really hard time finding it, and the best I could do was this site that isn't really in English which made it difficult to figure out how to embed the video in my blog. So you'll have to click on the link, but it's worth it:

"Love You More" Sinupret For Kids Commercial

Why would anyone ever buy this product? It turns you and your kid into creepy fake-smiling zombies who lie in fields all year round, staring up at the sun but the eyes seeing nothing ...

It Sells Itself!

2008-10-06T00:14:00.000-07:00

I watch a lot of random TV shows on weird channels at weird times. Therefore, I see weird, cheap commercials selling weird, cheap stuff. I think this one is my favorite:

So many questions. Why is the fact that it's made by Germans one of the big selling points? Why is Vince wearing a headset like a Gap employee? Do they think we won't notice when they show the carpet with a huge puddle in one shot and then cut to another angle and the puddle is magically gone? Why does Vince call his cameraman "camera guy" when he must know his real name? Is there some kind of tension between them, or is Vince letting his ShamWow spokesman fame go to his head? When will a ShamWow tent be coming to a parking lot near me? Why do I always want to buy one of those things when I see that commercial even though it's sooo annoying and I don't need a ShamWow in the first place?

The Lady Next Door is a Criminal Mastermind

2008-09-25T00:24:00.000-07:00

I was going to post an ode to my new laptop, but as I was typing I heard the distinctive clanging of metal and crappy wheels on pavement. I ran to the door and opened it to find the lady from next door shoving a shopping cart under my stairs again. She was trying to be all stealth about it, but she's deaf so what sounds like near silence to her is a thunderous roar to me, especially when it's her television. Incidentally, she was watching a kd lang video the other day. What's that about? Is "Constant Craving" still on the charts in Russia? Anyway, she saw me open the door from between the strands of her cheap fake-ass wig and we had this conversation.

Horrible Woman: This not my cart. Why cart here?
Sara: It's not my cart. Please don't put it under my stairs.

You guys, I was determined not to let her win this time. My stairs are not a storage place for stolen goods, especially not when those goods have been stolen from Trader Joe's, where I've been going for several mornings now to take advantage of their free samples of omelets and coffee. Trader Joe's takes good care of its customers and they don't ask for anything in return except that we don't steal their shopping carts. And they ask it in both English and Russian on several signs posted by the exit, so there's no excuse. Also, I was mad that she was trying to lie to me when I caught her red-handed.

Horrible Woman: Not my cart.
Sara: It's not mine and I didn't put it there. I don't want it under my stairs. If you can't find a place to keep it then you shouldn't steal it in the first place.
Horrible Woman: I put here. Good for everyone.

And with that, she parked the cart under my stairs and shuffled away. What could I say? She has no values, no logic. She steals a shopping cart to bring her groceries home and apparently expects it to disappear once she's finished with it and is puzzled when it does not. Instead of returning it to the place she stole it from, she parks it under her neighbor's staircase even though she's been told before not to do that and then figures it's not her problem and the shopping cart fairy will come tonight to take it away. As long as it's not in her way, it's "good for everyone." And she's old and decrepit (but not enough so that I'm confident she'll die soon) and doesn't speak English so I can't argue with her. For those of you keeping score at home, that's Horrible Woman: 2 and Sara: 0.

The Flowchart

2008-09-16T22:12:00.000-07:00

This will only make sense if you watch House and read my latest recap:

I had to put the flowchart up here because TWoP can't put images in recaps, even though they can apparently put images everywhere else and on top of each other.

Internet Dating: Y/N?

2008-07-16T00:15:00.000-07:00

So in what I'm sure will go down in my personal history as a real high point, I got dumped. He had the gall to do it after I'd come to his house with dinner ingredients I paid for and prepared him a delicious meal. Asshole! It's been two weeks now and that's plenty of time for me to have gotten over it. Time to re-enter the dating scene and get myself a rebound! But I work at home which makes it difficult to meet people. I mean, if I wanted to date an old Russian woman with a shopping cart fetish, I'd be all set. But I don't, so I'm not. And since I work at home and usually procrastinate and watch TV instead of doing mu job, I'm always seeing commercials for various internet dating services. They've finally brainwashed me, and I'm now considering trying my hand at internet dating. Does anyone out there have any internet dating experiences to share?

The Neighbors Hate Me

2008-06-27T19:17:00.000-07:00

Aside from the loud TV I've written about in the past, the woman next door is also a loud person in general, and when she isn't watching the TV, she's screaming into her phone, on which she receives calls with a regularity that makes me feel like a total loser in comparison. She's also a kleptomaniac. She's old and feeble and doesn't have a car, so when she gets groceries from Trader Joe's, she brings them home in the shopping cart. She just walks right off their lot with it. And it's a different shopping cart every time because she doesn't want to go through the effort of pushing an empty cart all the way to Trader Joe's when it's so much easier to just take a fresh, new cart. Even though there are signs all over the lot that say, in big Russian letters, "please don't steal our shopping carts."

This is a problem for me because I don't particularly want to live in an apartment building that's surrounded by shopping carts. They're difficult to get around to get into my apartment and it makes the place look like some kind of shantytown. My roommate agrees, and we've tried everything to get rid of the carts. We returned them to Trader Joe's. They came back. We threw them out in the dumpster. Someone took them out. We put them all on the bottom of the woman's stairway so that they'd be in her way and she'd get it that it sucks for us when she puts them in ours. She just moved them back into our way. Nothing worked, and the other day I caught her brazenly parking a shopping cart under our stairs. I asked her to please not put the cart underneath our staircase and she just said that she paid for the three bottles of water she'd gotten from Trader Joe's, so this somehow entitled her to steal a shopping cart with which to transport them back to her apartment. I told her she could buy her very own cart, a little portable one that she could fold up and keep in her apartment when she didn't need it and bring it with her when she did. "Where do I buy cart?" she asked with a laugh, as if I had just told her to go out and buy a unicorn. I volunteered to bring the cart back to Trader Joe's for her, but she just dragged it out to the curb and then pushed it down the sidewalk, where it would be in someone else's way. Well, at least it wasn't in my way and we'd reached an understanding, I assumed. Then, today, I returned home to find yet another shopping cart sitting under the stairs. Clearly, there is nothing more I can do. I give up. Until I move out of this place or she dies -- whichever comes first, and I know which I'm hoping for -- this is how things are going to be.

I walked past her apartment on my way to work and saw that she'd left her keys in the lock. I immediately considered taking them and never returning them to her, safe in the knowledge that I'd made her life as unpleasant and difficult as she insisted on making mine. But I didn't do that. Instead, I rang her special deaf people doorbell and, when she came to the door prepared for a confrontation, knowing that she'd just put a shopping cart under my stairs when I asked her not to and also that her TV was, yet again, at a considerable volume, I simply held up her keys and said she'd left them in the lock. "I forget. Thank you very much," she said. "You're welcome," I say. She may have won the war, but at least I won the battle of kindness.

I'm on my way back from work when I walk past another one of the neighbors. She's sitting on the ottoman she's placed on the sidewalk because apparently that's where inside furniture belongs and talking on her phone. I smile at her and walk past, only to be called back with a "young lady!"

She's talked to me before for parking too close to what is apparently her husband's parking spot in the garage. Meanwhile, in an effort not to do this, I park so close to the wall that I've actually hit it twice so I don't know what she's talking about but I promised to do better. I figured she was going to yell at me again about that, but instead she just said "how old are you?" I told her, but she only heard me say twenty and that number was enough to make her point: "twenty years old and you do not know to say hi to the neighbors!" I didn't know what to even say to this. I think I went with "huh?" "You are impolite! I am telling you to be polite!" she said. Meanwhile, I've smiled at this woman plenty of times in passing and not once has she ever returned that smile, let alone said hello. In fact, she usually glares at me as if she wants me drop dead on the spot. So, honestly, I thought I was doing both of us a favor by limiting my overtures to the small smile. I couldn't say all that to her, so I just said, "but ... you were on the phone. I didn't want to interrupt ... " She didn't even answer that, just went back to her phone call. And as I walked away, I could hear her saying to her caller, "twenty years old!"

Just for that I'm going to park extra far away from the wall next time.

It Was A Good Run

2008-06-19T13:50:00.000-07:00

I always say "just because I'm half-English doesn't mean my mouth has to look like it." So I take great pride in my beautiful teeth with their perfect midline. Not only that, but they're free of cavities. Or, at least, they were.

Shockingly, TWoP doesn't come with a dental care plan, so for the past three years I've been putting off the twice-yearly checkups, figuring that my teeth were probably okay since they didn't hurt. I finally bought my own dental insurance and took full advantage of it yesterday when I went to the dentist for a cleaning. First, she scolded me for letting so much time go by in between visits and giving my teeth a nice accumulation of plaque. Then she punished me for it with a session of vigorous scraping. But then ... THEN ... she broke my heart by informing me that I have not one, not two, but five fucking cavities. She was really nice about it, saying that they were in the beginning stages and the fact that I hadn't had cavities until now was very impressive, but still. Apparently, the sealants my childhood dentist put on my molars that helped keep all the cavities away in the past had worn away and cracked, creating little pits that are impossible for my toothbrush to get into and turning my molars into little cavity playgrounds.

I have the first three cavities filled next month. Because they're all located in the "lower left quadrant," the dentist will only need to use one shot for all three. They explained this to me as if I should be pleased, but I still think one shot is too many. Unless they give me laughing gas, although that's probably not included on my budget dental insurance that's already mad at me for going with the more expensive filling material over the cheap mercury poison death amalgams. The dentist refuses to use mercury and I get all the exposure to mercury I'll ever need from tuna, thanks very much.

So guys, uh ... does it hurt to get cavities filled? Not that I'm scared or anything.