L.A.me

As Promised: Too Hot for TWoP

2008-04-25T15:15:00.000-07:00

The computer is working pretty well again, although I have no idea why. I turned it off for a few days to give it time to think about what it had done and then when I turned it on, the battery charged easily and it stopped randomly shutting down. Hooray!

Share in my happiness by watching the video that TWoP said "wasn't what we were looking for" in a "man on the street" piece and was also "an insurance risk." Since they won't put it up on their site, I'll put it up on mine -- with all references to the site cleverly removed. djb filmed and edited the piece and did an awesome job making me as un-annoying as possible, which is no easy task. Hope you like it!

You Can Read Me Everywhere But Here!

2008-04-16T15:25:00.000-07:00

I did a guest blog over at Trashionista the other day -- go check it out, especially if you're an Enid Blyton fan.

I've also updated the "Read Me" section of the sidebar. Now there's links to Soap Opera Digest and Ugo.com, where I've been updating the TV Blog three times a day since last week. Meanwhile, you're lucky if I can update this blog three times a month. What can I say? One pays and the other doesn't. Also, the world of TV is much more exciting than the world of me.

And, of course, you can still read me at Television Without Pity, if you can find the recaps on the redesigned site. They seem to have been pushed to the bottom while new content like the video gets the spotlight. I actually did a video for TWoP but they said it was "too much of an insurance risk" to put on the site. Hee hee hee. I'm so badass. I'll put the video up here as soon as I can figure out how to do it and my computer stops randomly shutting down while I'm in mid

Short Update

2008-04-09T00:13:00.000-07:00

My laptop is breaking down slowly but surely. I had the same problem with my last iBook, where the logicboard goes bad and somehow this makes it so I can't charge the battery. I'll plug it in and the little battery/plug icon will toggle on and off. I got this laptop from a friend to replace my ibook that died after a little more than one year because I couldn't afford to replace the logicboard or send the computer away for the repair and not have a computer for two to four weeks. And now it looks like I'm faced with the same choice here. I don't want to put $300 worth of repairs into a 3 year old iBook but I can't afford a new Macbook either. And if I could, I want to wait for the next redesign (I'm thinking the next ones will be aluminum, be 25% faster, and will be released in June). I don't know what to do, but I have a bad feeling it's going to involve me and a cheap PC craptop. Although, given Apple's track record with me (3 laptops: 1 stolen [not Apple's fault] and 2 with logicboard failures [entirely Apple's fault and has been the subject of class action lawsuits]), maybe going back to a PC isn't such a bad idea.

Enough complaining! This entry is supposed to be plugging my latest article in Soap Opera Digest, on stands this week!!!!! I'd include a picture of it but my battery meter just turned red.

CRIME OF THE CENTURY!!!!

2008-03-11T20:08:00.000-07:00

No, it's not the time my apartment got broken into, although that certainly comes close. This is something far worse: I went to Jamba Juice yesterday after a way-too-long absence only to find that my favorite smoothie, the Citrus Squeeze, was NO LONGER ON THE MENU. And to make matters worse, my second-favorite smoothie, the Orange-A-Peel, was also NOT ON THE MENU. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS. Now there are no choices on the menu that combine my favorite smoothie flavors -- orange, strawberry, and banana. There's some blueberry-banana concoction that probably tastes like ass and some kiwi-strawberry crap, but nothing that combines them all. Peach Pleasure can Peach Piss Off and Mango-A-Go-Go can Mango-A-Go-Go-To-Hell! I WANT MY CITRUS SQUEEZE AND/OR ORANGE-A-PEEL!

People out there, please tell me: is this a nationwide thing or specific to the West Hollywood Gateway Jamba Juice? Because if it's nationwide, I have a protest rally to plan.

I Hate Russian Television

2008-03-04T15:54:00.000-08:00

So it turns out that the walls on my new apartment are not made of paper after all -- we just have a deaf Russian lady for a neighbor. She watches Russian television all day long at an incredible volume. Like, it's so loud that I don't know how the speakers on her TV haven't exploded yet. And the stuff she watches! Horrible songs, horrible singing, horrible sound effects! Horrible, horrible! Why can't she watch Russian PBS like old people are supposed to? Why does she watch music videos? Shouldn't she hate that kind of stuff?

I don't know why the other neighbors haven't complained about this yet, but they haven't, so I had to. But first I had to be nice. I went by her place and rang the doorbell, which was some special Sonic Alert thing for deaf people. BECAUSE SHE's DEAF. WHY IS SHE WATCHING TV IF SHE'S DEAF??? DOES CLOSED CAPTIONING NOT COME IN RUSSIAN?? Anyway, she answered, and when she opened the door she let out a blast of sound waves that almost threw me backwards into her neighbor's door. So this woman is both deaf and Russian, which makes communicating with her really difficult. But I managed to do so by pointing to my ears and then making a "turn the volume dial DOWN" motion with my hand. And it worked! She turned the volume down to slightly more acceptable levels and that was that.

But now it's the next day, and the bitch has turned her TV back up. Am I going to have to go to her apartment every day and tell her to turn it down? Should I go looking for pamphlets on hearing aids with Russian translations and slide them under her door? Or should I just sneak out tonight and destroy her Russian-TV-giving satellite dish? There is a fourth option, which my roommate suggested, of waiting for her to die, but she seems pretty stout and healthy so that probably won't happen any time soon.

I Missed the Lunar Eclipse Last Night

2008-02-21T16:22:00.001-08:00

I won't see another one until 2010.

I missed it because I was driving home from the gym and taking a left turn onto Santa Monica from La Brea, which has those accursed red light cameras. I was second in line to turn left. As everyone in Los Angeles knows, when the light changes, the two people in the left turn lane get to go. So the light started to change, but the guy ahead of me wasn't inching forward. I didn't want to get caught by the red light cameras because the car ahead of me was going too slow (like last time), and the traffic from the other lane had stopped, so I lightly beeped at the guy to move it.

He started to move, and then a bunch of things happened:
1. The red light cameras went off, flashing all over the place.
2. I was blinded by the red light camera flashes.
3. The guy stopped his car like an asshole.
4. I may have brushed against the back of his car. A love tap, if you will.

But it gets better, because after our cars met, he drove off and continued his left turn (FINALLY), while I just backed up and returned to the left turn lane behind the crosswalk. Which I think might mean that I won't get a ticket since I didn't go through the light, right? Anyway, I turned left at the next light and the guy was pulled over on the side of the road and stomping around his car.

I pulled up alongside him, and then a bunch of things happened:
1. He screamed at me: "you bitch! you bitch!"
2. I didn't want to deal with that, so I drove away. He could be dangerous!
3. He followed me in his car. I drove towards a location where I would feel safer. I was close to my apartment, so I headed
for there and hoped my (male) roommate would be home.
4. I turned onto my street, but the guy kept driving.

Which do you think will show up first? The police officers asking about the hit and run or the letter from that building full of assholes in Arizona about my $4,367,454 red light ticket? Although seeing as how I haven't changed my address at the DMV yet, they may never show up. That would be great.

By the way, the guy was handicapped. But don't hate me too much because I think he was one of those handicapped people who aren't visibly handicapped but somehow managed to score a handicapped placard from the DMV in order to get the good parking spots at the mall.

And that is why I missed the lunar eclipse.

Watch MEEEE!!!!

2008-02-18T20:16:00.000-08:00

So I did this commentary for a featurette on the Dallas, Season 8 DVD. And now it's out in stores! BUY!!!! WATCH!!!!!

GLORIOUS!

I haven't seen it yet because I'm still waiting for them to send me my copy, but I can tell you that the "office" you see me in is not my actual office, but a room at the Roosevelt. While I wouldn't mind claiming credit for a workspace filled with Dallas stuff, I don't want people to think I have a giant picture of Larry Hagman as my laptop wallpaper.

It's actually a picture of Jack Webb.

Busy busy

2008-02-06T12:17:00.000-08:00

I got promoted at work (they still haven't figured out that I'm useless) and moved to a new apartment in West Hollywood (see you later, non-responsive LAPD and ticket-crazy LADOT!) so things have been a little crazy.

I would like to take this space to say that hiring movers is like the best thing ever. Worth every penny. Even if they did show up 3 hours late. Also, do not go to the U-Haul on 4550 Hollywood Blvd. They didn't have my truck ready on time and when I asked them to call other area U-Hauls and get a truck for me, since, you know, I paid for the truck and was expecting a truck and had movers coming in ten minutes and no truck, they said "you call U-Haul." I was already a little stressed out, so their poor customer service caused me to explode in screams. I had to raise my voice, you see, because the guy was walking out of the building and I needed him to hear me. Also they said they called me the day before to tell me my truck would be late but "they wouldn't let us speak to you." That's right -- my cell phone apparently would not let U-Haul speak to me, nor did it log any evidence of such a call being made in the first place. Either my cell is evil or U-Haul totally lied to my face. But it all worked out in the end since the movers were late as well. And I love my new place even if the walls appear to be made out of paper. At least the neighbors' conversations are interesting. Also, hardwood floors!

"Woman suffers seizures after hearing Sean Paul's music"

2008-01-18T15:46:00.000-08:00

I just saw that headline on the Yahoo! homepage and wanted to make sure it would be remembered forever.

Unlike Sean Paul, who I don't think anyone remembers except that woman who unwisely decided to listen to his music. Hope she didn't bite her tongue too hard.

Tacky Christmas 2007

2007-12-25T19:18:00.000-08:00

A little late, but it's still Christmas! Time for my annual tacky Christmas decorations entry. I changed things up a little this year and did not go to Norrywood because even though it's a horror show for fans of good taste, it's the same thing every year. Get some new decorations, Mr. Norry. Even the fake snow is looking a little worn out.

Without further ado:

Ye Gods!

Here's a closer shot:

The best thing about this house ...

... is that these are their next door neighbors. I wonder if they're good friends who enjoy decoration together or mortal rivals locked in a never-ending feud over who has the most holiday spirit.

I guess Santa moved.

DON'T FORGET ABOUT JESUS EVERYBODY. NOW APPEARING LIVE IN VEGAS APPARENTLY.

This house wasn't too obnoxious, although I do wonder what Pac-Man ghosties have to do with Christmas.

I like this one because the reindeer look like fat rabbits and that one in the back is doing something very wrong to Blitzen.

This house is loaded with ugly, but the scariest part has got to be ...

... that life-size, motorized Santa hanging out in the front door. The people who live here actually came home while I was taking pictures and had to move the Santa out of the way in order to enter their own house. Tacky AND inconvenient.

And finally, the tackiest house of all. I actually found this picture on some gossip website. It's Charlie Sheen's house. Now that he's engaged again and can't spend his money on hookers, I guess he invested in lights:

PUTTING THE CHRIST IN CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!!!

SHOCKING TWISTS!

2007-11-26T21:48:00.000-08:00

... that's what it says on the cover of this week's Soap Opera Digest. Inside, you'll find what the table of contents calls a NEW FEATURE -- a two page article written by ME!

It's kind of amazing to know that something I wrote is sitting on grocery store checkout aisles across the country. I have no idea if this will become a regular feature or not, so if you like it and want to see more (which you will because I wrote it and therefore IT IS GREAT), please let the kind folks at Soap Opera Digest know via email or even regular mail. I'm sure my mother is emailing them up a storm from a bunch of email accounts she created specifically for this purpose, but she is just one woman and can only think of so many fake names!

And speaking of me doing stuff related to soap operas, I will be appearing on a special feature on the Dallas Season 8 DVD, which is coming out in February, which is fitting because February is Black History Month and Dallas has no black people on it. So I guess it's not very fitting at all. Buy it anyway!

Also

2007-11-03T19:09:00.000-07:00

Yes, that was me who was quoted in the New York Times last month, as one commenter asked in my last post. Clearly, after my successful blurb in Los Angeles magazine, I have become a highly-sought-after commenter indeed.

I finally signed onto Facebook. I'm not exactly sure how it works or why I have to be in the network of a school I graduated from years ago and have no interest in donating to, let alone being associated with it for online networking purposes, but it's fun so far. And I just love getting bulletins about roommate requests in Hi-Rise, because those are very relevant to my life now.

Awesome New Diet

2007-10-16T20:24:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, I started getting stomach aches in the middle of the night. Since I always have milk and cookies just before bed, I decided that I must have suddenly become lactose intolerant. Really suddenly. As in, on Thursday I drank milk and it was awesome, then on Friday I drank milk and it hurt like a motherfucker. I thought that was a little strange, but I bought some Lactaid and took that before I ate dairy and things seemed okay, so I figured that was the end of it.

And then I was at Dan's house, having just finished a most delicious meal of chili-cheese fries, Patra's style, when I started feeling really sick. Then I threw up. How can something as delicious as chili-cheese fries are going down taste so bad coming back up? That was followed by a week of stomach aches and throwing up, but I thought it was just stress since I had four things due for TWoP, a sample column due for a magazine that was interested in giving me a freelance gig and will be the biggest thing in my career if it actually happens, and my laptop crashed. Thanks so much, Mac, for making iBooks with logic boards that "fail" after only a year and a half. And can only be fixed by mailing it to Mac and waiting two to three weeks for them to install a new logic board. So I was stressed out and sometimes I get stomach aches when I'm nervous, although these stomach aches were different and the throwing up was new.

And then my week of hell ended and all my stuff got turned in and I got a new computer and I was feeling lots better. For three days. Then I spent last Tuesday morning throwing up over and over and over again until there was absolutely nothing left to give.

I reached two conclusions that morning:

1. The underside of my toilet bowl could use a good scrubbing.

2. I had to call a doctor.

So I saw a gastroenterologist, who informed me that you actually can't become lactose intolerant in one day and that if I have unexplained barfing and severe stomach pain in the future, I might want to consult a health professional sooner rather than later. And then he loaded me up with drugs for my ulcer.

That's right -- I have an ulcer. And it sucks total ass. I don't even know how it happened. Apparently, they aren't caused by stress but by some evil bacteria that can live in your stomach even though it's full of acid. Fuck you, H. pylori.

The pain is gone now and I haven't barfed since last Thursday, so the drugs are working. I have to take prescription acid jet blockers for at least the next three weeks. They taste like cherries. I spent last week eating applesauce and bananas (until I threw those up too) and sipping chicken broth. It will be another week before I can drink coffee or alcohol or eat anything with tomatoes in it.

Every cloud has a silver lining, however. I lost six pounds! EXULTATION!

Spare Change

2007-09-20T10:05:00.000-07:00

If you've got any, here's a good place to send it:

The Jamie A. Hulley Fund for the Arts

Happy birthday, Jamie.

MRI of DOOOM!

2007-09-18T21:21:00.001-07:00

Because my knee is a little bitch, I have to get an MRI tomorrow. I hope my head doesn't explode midway through it. This has been known to happen (but only on TV)!!!!!

Someone Needs Sensitivity Training

2007-09-09T20:12:00.000-07:00

I overheard this at a Starbucks the other morning. A woman was making conversation with a man ahead of her in line. It was early in the morning, and I guess they were both tired and bummed at having to report to work after the long holiday weekend. I should also mention that the man was paraplegic:

Woman: "Some mornings, I can barely walk."

To his credit, the paraplegic man did not respond by backing his wheelchair over her face.

Pubic Transportation

2007-08-21T19:53:00.000-07:00

I used public transportation all the time when I was in England. I had to, since I wasn't about to rent a car and drive on those ten-foot-tall-hedge-lined half-a-line-wide things they call "streets." It was cheap (although not as much as it used to be now that the pound is the highest its ever been against the dollar in my lifetime. Awesome), convenient, and reasonably easy to navigate as long as you can understand the thick Welsh accent of the old woman you have to ask for help. I came home to LA inspired. It, too, has a public transportation system. I would use it, and not only would I save money by not having to buy wicked expensive gas, but I'd also be helping to save the Earth.

I'm sad to report that this has been a disaster. While part of me enjoys the thrill I get from not paying for the subway (stations are unmanned, so you're pretty much on the honor system when it comes to buying a ticket. If you get caught without one, it's a $250 fine and 48 hours of community service. I am fully prepared to make a run for it if I get stopped by the Metro police. Even if they catch me, it promises to be exciting!) after Los Angeles has ripped me off so many times for so much money, the fact is that the subway comes every 12 minutes during the day and every 20 minutes at night. You miss the train and you're stuck waiting 20 minutes for the next one in the bowels of the faultline-ridden earth, surrounded by the colorful folks who either take the subway or just like to hang out in the station all day, and with no Metro authority around to protect you from them. Not only that, but the stations are so far apart that you'll probably end up walking another twenty minutes to your destination. And that's if the train goes to where you're going at all. If you're heading to somewhere that isn't the Valley, downtown, or Hollywood Blvd, then it isn't.

Today I tried the buses. They go everywhere and run all the time, based on their heavy presence on the streets. My trip to the gym began at 5:10 pm as I waited at the DASH stop. The DASH line only costs a quarter and it stops right in front of my building and pretty close to my gym. DASH likes to brag about how it comes every thirty minutes. A half an hour is a long time. They shouldn't be proud of that. They should be ashamed. If I have to wait thirty minutes for a bus to arrive, I might as well walk to the gym. The bus was ten minutes late arriving and it took almost an hour to get to the gym, a mere two miles away. During this hour, I came to a realization: I hate people. I hate being surrounded by them and I hate that there are like twenty open seats on the bus but they all have to sit next to me. Go away, people! I really took the ability to lock my car doors and keep people several feet away from me for granted. Not anymore. And, of course, on-board entertainment was provided by a screaming child whose parents must have been deaf because they didn't tell him to shut it once. Deaf, and fucking rude. Surrounded by screaming children and several examples of why Riding the Bus With My Sister could be a completely true story, I decided that whatever I have to pay to drive my own car is totally worth it and that I fucking hate the Planet Earth and want it to die, die, die. Which means that bus ride turned me into one of the Captain Planet villians. I hope I'm Dr. Blight and not the pig guy.

Dr. Blight was a lot cooler before I found this picture of her on an erotic site for cameltoe fetishists.

Time Warner cable stopped by my apartment today for the service appointment that I could have sworn I cancelled yesterday. I told them to fuck themselves and their shitty service, ha ha! That felt good at the time, but now I have to rely on the coffee shop internet again, which means I have to listen to the weird bald guy tell anyone who will listen about how he's from England when I'm pretty sure he picked up a fake accent from watching A Hard Day's Night several times.

I Am Sick Of Paying For Things That Suck

2007-08-20T21:06:00.000-07:00

Who isn't?

But now that I'm back from England and have little money to spare (the trip was worth every penny ... but it was a lot of pennies), it's time to do something about it.

First off, Time Warner cable can kiss my ass. The internet is down yet again and they didn't have time to stop by my apartment for the third time in as many months to fix it until Tuesday, which was a good five days away from when I originally called. UNACCEPTABLE. I refuse to wait another day for the internet service I am paying for to actually work! I told them if they didn't come by on today then they shouldn't come at all. They did not come by today. I cancelled my internet and downgraded my cable service (see you later, "choice tier" that was costing me five dollars a month and included channels I did not and never will watch like American Country Classics Game Show Channel, whatever that is). I will, however, keep the variety tier because it has the Hallmark Channel on it. But the second Hallmark stops showing Walker, Texas Ranger, I am OUTTA THERE!

Second, Progressive Insurance continues its reign of suck that began when a tow truck broke my car and they made me do all the work to get compensated for the repairs. Now, okay, yes, this accident was my fault. I was at a cheap gas station waiting for a pump to open up. When it finally did, I went to back into the pump, only to see a white Volvo out of the corner of my eye also making its way for the pump I was in line for. In my zeal to get to the pump first, I may have backed into another car and sort of ripped its bumper off. I swear, I looked behind me before I backed up. But I was looking at the Volvo while I backed up instead of behind me and a car appeared out of nowhere and I hit it. I thought I hit it pretty lightly, since I heard the accident before I felt it and my car's damage consisted of a scratch, but there was the other car's bumper lying on the ground with a big red streak on it that matched my car's paint exactly. I don't know how to explain the disproportionate level of damage between the two cars, especially when my car is a Ford Focus and thus I would expect it to crush like a soda can under the slightest of pressure. So you can imagine what a pleasant surprise it was that it held strong like a champ! That, of course, was followed by the rather unpleasant surprise that Nissan apparently makes their cars' bumpers out of styrofoam and thread. Thin thread. By the way, that white Volvo sped away without getting any gas after the accident. I hope it ran out of gas in a desolate area. Stupid Volvo.

Anyway, this is the first car accident I've ever been in and only the second time I've had to use the insurance I pay out my ass for. I was rather underwhelmed to find that Progressive's investigation into the accident consisted of getting a vague idea of the driver's first name ("Claudia" apparently doesn't have a last name. Like Cher, except that Claudia is uninsured, possibly unlicensed, and probably illegally in this country), a vague idea of how many people were in the car (I saw two people in Claudia's car. Claudia's husband, who apparently speaks for Claudia when it comes to insurance matters, told the adjuster there were four people in the car. Hmm. I assume Progressive has reported this two invisible people phenomena to the proper scientific authorities), and a vague idea of who was actually driving in the first place. Claudia's husband told them that he was driving. He wasn't even there when it happened, let alone driving -- Claudia called him on her cell phone and he came over to assess the damage and get my insurance info. I then drove over to the nearby gas pump that I was trying to get to when the accident happened in the first place and filled my tank while Claudia, her husband, their daughter, and those two invisible people stood around the Nissan and its now indepedant bumper. That was kind of awkward. When I told Progessive that Claudia's husband wasn't even there when the accident occured, the adjuster said that Claudia was an "excluded driver."

Then my insurance adjuster called. Kiant told me that he was having trouble determining what the damage to Claudia's car was, as her husband's knowledge of English did not seem to include "the bumper fell off." He was also having trouble figuring out what Claudia's last name was. This does not seem like a very difficult detail to determine, but maybe it is. I'm not an insurance adjuster.

So then I guess Claudia's husband called Kiant and said that he wanted to un-involve the insurance companies that he called in the first place and just have me pay out of pocket for the damage. Kiant called to relay this information to me. Unfortunately, he failed to get any additional information from Claudia's husband, such as: what Claudia's last name is, if she's insured, if she's a licensed driver, how many people were in the car, how much the damage they want me to pay for out of pocket will cost, why I would pay out of pocket when my insurance will cover the entire expense with no deductible, or why I even have insurance in the first place if the only time I need its services, they're recommending I pay out of pocket instead. I told Kiant to please call back with the answers to these questions. Instead, he has, without my knowledge or agreement, paid out $700 to Claudia for the damage. Thanks for that, Kiant. It's not like I don't want to pay Claudia -- the accident was my fault, I screwed up, I should pay. I just don't understand why Kiant can't do what has to be his job and get some necessary details and my consent before making decisions like that. Because you know who's going to pay for it in the end? Me, when my rates go up.

OR WILL THEY?! Because as soon as I get a chance to chat with Kiant and wrap the matter up, I'll be giving one of those insurance companies that always leave fliers in Spanish on my windshield. My five years of shitty high school Spanish taught by shitty teachers, approximately four years of which I slept through, taught me enough to read that they are offering car insurance for only $20 a month! I doubt they'll be very helpful if I ever have a claim, but Progressive is just as sucky and I'm paying a lot more for that. Adios, Progressive! Hola, seguro de autos! I'd give you upside exclamation points, but I don't know how to do them in blogger.

I Am Fast And Loose

2007-07-19T17:36:00.000-07:00

I'll be in two plays this weekend, although I couldn't tell you what part I'll have in them or what the plays will be about. That's because Fast and Loose is a show where eight plays are written and staged in twenty-four hours. I'm doing both nights, and rest assured that both plays will be stellar simply because of the presence of me in them. Honestly, I wrote something for this last year and was amazed by what the actors and director did with my play, as well as the seven other plays performed that night. It's impressive, and fun, and if you don't go to at least one of the nights then you're not my friend anymore. Ha!

Pertinent info:

Fast and Loose -- July 21 and 22 at 8 pm.

Sacred Fools Theater
660 N. Heliotrope Dr., Los Angeles.

Tickets: $10.

Cymru

2007-07-12T11:35:00.000-07:00

I've been on vacation these past few weeks. I went to New York, Connecticut, England and Wales! Not bad for someone with no money.

I went to Wales because my Nanny was evacuated there during WWII with her sister while her parents stayed in London. I wanted to see where she lived. I was looking for Stone Cottage in Ruabon. The directions seemed vague, as there are no street signs or even street names or even streets in the hills of Northern Wales, but sure enough, I took a left at the farm, found two red brick houses, and there was Stone Cottage ahead of me. When Nanny lived there, they didn't even have electricity. Now the house had a satellite dish. And, presumably, they got around to putting in indoor toilets.

Ruabon also has the Wynnstay Arms, just across the street from where my great grandad was born, a pub that boasts a bartender who looks almost exactly like Adam Brody.

Wales insists on having Welsh as their official language. To this end, they put Welsh translations on all their signs, even though no one speaks Welsh except for like three 80 year old shepherds who live in the mountains somewhere. Cymru is the Welsh word for Wales, by the way.

It's good that Wales is trying to preserve its Celtic language roots, but it gets a bit silly when it comes to making up Welsh words for new technology. Like so:

All they did was add an extra F. They're not even trying anymore. That said, it's probably pronounced "yanfairchagogogoch." I should ask Nanny; she had to take Welsh classes when she went to school there, although Grandad was quick to point out that it was only the "Easy Welsh" classes. I don't think any Welsh is easy.

Time Warner Cable Sucks

2007-06-14T21:20:00.001-07:00

I switched from DSL to Time Warner cable last month after they promised me a faster internet connection for a cheaper rate.

Three weeks later, I have to go to a coffee shop to access the internet because, for the third time in as many weeks, my internet stopped working. Angry calls to Time Warner resulted in an appointment for one of their esteemed tech people to come by and fix it on Saturday morning, which is the soonest they claimed they could get to me. I told them that I needed internet right now, as I require it to do my work and have a deadline tonight and will be screwed if it's not back by then, and Edwin the Tech Support guy informed me that I could always go to the local library or coffee shop for internet access. I said I might as well do that all the time and not pay for crappy Time Warner internet at all. He gave me a credit for one week of service. That's FIVE DOLLAS BABY!

I've already spent twice that at the wireless internet at the coffee shop, where I am surrounded by a girl with a cold who keeps sneezing and no doubt infecting me with her germs, a man dressed in a clown suit for no discernible reason who keeps smiling at me, a woman eating a pigeon sandwich, that annoying gang of pretentious fucks who hang out outside every night and take all the good seats without ever buying anything and loudly talk about stupid artsy shit, and 374 wannabe screenwriters. Not present is the hot guy who does a puppet show and refuses to acknowledge my clumsy attempts to flirt with him.

Anyway, when I'm the victim of the Los Feliz Clown Killer tomorrow, you know who to sue for causing this all to happen.

Attention Random Google Searcher:

2007-06-13T00:07:00.000-07:00

To the person who came to this site via a google search for "web shots of middle school girls pool party":

IT IS 99% CERTAIN THAT YOU ARE A PERVERT. PLEASE TURN YOURSELF INTO THE NEAREST POLICE STATION IMMEDIATELY IF NOT SOONER.

If you happen to pass one of finer booksellers where my book is sold on your way there, feel free to stop in and buy a few copies. BUT ONLY IF YOU STAY WELL AWAY FROM THE CHILDREN'S BOOK SECTION.

My Book What I Wrote

2007-06-06T11:42:00.000-07:00

First things first: I didn't go to Arizona. Much to my horror and dismay, my weekend was suddenly filled with important things I had to get done and I couldn't spare the day. I didn't let on to Jeff that they invited the wrong person to the party, though, so everyone cross your fingers that they'll accidentally invite me to something else in the near future.

Moving on! So I wrote an essay for a book that came out last week. Coffee at Luke's is a collection of essays about Gilmore Girls, and I was asked to contribute because of those five episodes I recapped for TWoP during Season Five. This is the first time I've ever been published. I have to admit, it's a thrill to hold a real book in my hands and read my name on the back cover. More than I thought it would be.

In all its majesty!!!!

Publisher's Weekly even reviewed it, and my essay was one of the three they mentioned. They said it was "amusing but aimless." I think they really need to up their proofreading standards; even though it was just the Web-Exclusive edition, you'd think they'd have caught such an egregious typo. Clearly, the sentence was supposed to say "amusing literary masterpiece." Don't worry -- I've already written to them about it and I'm sure they'll fix it and issue the necessary correction and apology soon.

A nice woman with incredibly good taste said in her blog that my essay was "one of the most interesting and creative." Suck on THAT, special class for creative students in middle school that wouldn't let me in because I scored four points under the minimum on the creativity test! Even though I won the Connecticut Invention Convention two years in a row!

Speaking of school, I decided to send one of the two copies the publisher sent me to my high school English teacher, Mr. Calise. Since my essay was about the town I grew up in and that we both hated, I thought he'd get a kick out of it. More importantly, he was one of the few teachers who really encouraged me and made me believe that I had ability while many of my other teachers were saying things like "you have talent, but not the right kind of talent," "I want to strangle her," and "we're suing you." It's amazing how many people out there are responsible for shaping and teaching children who clearly hate them and their jobs. I have the utmost admiration, appreciation, and gratitude for the teachers who do care. I really do. I hope both the bad and the good teachers realize the kind of impact they can have on every single one of their students' lives. I'm sure Mr. Calise does already, but I wanted to tell him myself.

Here's Smartpop's website.
Here's the Amazon listing.

By The Time I Get To Arizona

2007-06-01T12:22:00.000-07:00

I received a second reminder about Jeff's pool party. They really want me to go. It's tomorrow at 3. Arizona is 6 hours away, according to mapquest.

We can purchase party hats on the way to the party. I'm sure there are some colorful selections at the various rest stops. We can probably get a gift for Jeff there as well. I wanted to get him Salt-N-Pepa's Very Necessary CD, but then it occurred to me that he probably already owned it. I mean, who doesn't?

So, who is coming with me? The rules are that you can't be crazy, creepy, or smell bad. And please behave yourselves accordingly once we get to Jeff's party, or else they won't accidentally invite me to anything else ever again! Also, if anyone has a videocamera, please bring it along. If you happen to own a party bus, that would be ideal.

Quick Poll

2007-05-30T14:34:00.001-07:00

I just received an Evite to some pool party in Arizona that was clearly sent to me by accident. Nevertheless, I like pool parties and have been wanting to go on a road trip for some time. It's some guy named Jeff's 31st birthday, being held at somewhere called the "Morrison Ranch." That sounds like a fun place to me.

Should I go? And does anyone want to go with me? The invitation said to just bring a bathing suit and a party hat, but we should probably all chip in and get Jeff a present anyway.